Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
26 May 2009	M.M. a.k.a. billy the freak	amsterdam heaves like the breath in her lungs. people bustle through the streets as the blood surges through her veins. i can feel this all around me.... however, i sit alone in the a bar. I want to be alone, only me and the bartender. hey, did you know i have the power to be anybody? i can go anywhere and do anything, any-fucking-way i want to do it. However, tonight I sit alone. i sit in a basement level dive too dark to see the clock on the wall, yet bright enough to see the bar in front of me. the pink neon light in the window screamed in its best cursive 'MOUCHETTE' a warm and ambient glow enveloping you like a womb welcoming all to her embrace. however, tonight i sit alone. The bartender is mouchette and i am only a guest in her place. like me she has the power to be anything, but only in the minds of other people. if you were to ask her who she was("mouchette, really who are you?")she would say she killed herself at the brink of thirteen and in death had second thoughts. now she plays a game and through this game she lives on. tonight mouchette is a thirty something italian woman with the type of beauty that says you would like to fuck her, but wouldn't really perform at your best only because you are intimidated by her razor sharp wit and her worldly charm.. She has so many friends and you never feel good enough in her company. the intimate encounters are few and far between and you both want more. when you are away she is always in the back of your mind. i know all this and tonight she is only the bartender, why she is in this spittoon of a saloon could only be guessed, but i do know she is here... aways here for me. "mouchette! baby doll, please pour me another." i belted. "billy darling no need to shout; i am right here and there is no one else in the bar." she said in a reprimanding tone."another vodka and tonic i would bet." "right you are. you know me well." "i know you because you know you, you know me and right now... this is all we know." "positively insightful mouchette, I say you inspire me. you are my muse." this i announced with a certain amount of glee. "billy" she said while fixing my drink. "I am afraid the booze is your muse.." She sat the drink down in front of me. I was outraged. "mouchette, you... how could you say this? do you want to hurt me? do you want me to feel bad?" "again billy, this is all we know. I think you must ask yourself that question." {what is her angle? what is she getting at? i want her to go with the flow.} i took the drink in one gulp then slammed the heavy short glass motioning for another drink, nectar of the gods. " vodka and tonic yes?" "ha!! i would like a whiskey and coke, if you put pepsi in there i will fucking smack you." i said triumphantly "you are slipping mouchette... maybe you are not my muse" "the joke is on you billy." she said in a tired voice and made the drink in the same dirty glass. {the joke was on me. i hate whiskey. what is this? do i have control? yes, i have all the control. when i am here i am king and she is the servant. So why do i feel so helpless.} the neon light from out side the bar shined through my half empty short glass, casting glimmers of light onto the slick bar top. the lights danced across the fine finished wood as i turned the glass between my thumb and index finger. suddenly i felt alone. no longer alone by choice, but alone... just helplessly alone. "well billy, I'm here" falicia said out of nowhere. "how did you get here." I asked. "you let me in silly, what kind of question is that." now i am simply sick of this shit. "are you going to fuck with me too falicia!" i shot the whiskey and the fumes and words came out my mouth like fire. "i don't know how you got here. i don't know why you keep coming back. i didn't open that fucking door." "i found the door and walked through it just like you did billy, ask yourself these questions and you will find the answers you are looking for." falicia ordered a mineral water and drank while i thought about what she said. i first came here when i was sixteen it was 1998 ten years passed and now i am twenty six. i didn't give anything, i only took for one decade. she was always here when i needed her and at times she made me feel special, at times she made me feel worthless. I would run away but only in presence. in the stealth of the night i would visit. the price i pay is her always haunting me, for not a day goes by... not a day goes by. did i want a suicide kit for christmas? no, i just wanted to show other children how to play with the toy. i am no longer a child, but i still play with this toy. "falicia i come here because as long as people come here i cannot die.... i will live forever. this is the gift she gave me and i tell you, i don't know if i deserve it." just when i thought i was opening up falicia started to laugh a hysterical laugh. then lucy and phil join in. chris and will snow chime and it now a chorus of laughter. joe lee, mackellar, elaine, agent orange, just a girl, and many others have the bar quaking with laughter. in spite of myself i start to chuckle as well, but i had to ask. "falicia why are we laughing." "you wanting to live forever is all fine and good," she said as she points across the bar with her finger resting towards the bartender. "but what happens when she dies." that very moment i had ad a revelation and with that change a change happened in mouchette. her cigarette burn eyes stared at me as she poured me another vodka and tonic, her smile was just crack on her plastic face
05 Apr 2007	will snow	Mouchette LOVES me :P
05 Aug 2005	Holly	M'kay... I don't have any personal expirences with suicide. I live a healthy, happy life with my caring mother and father. But just last year I met someone. Her name is Tanzie*. I met her online in a chat room. I had absolutly NO clue what she was going through in her life. She always seemed to cover it up so well. We've known each other for about a year now. About 4 months ago she gave me the link to her LiveJournal. So I would read it occasionally. But one day, her entry shocked me. On Livejournals, the give you little quizzes to fill out and what not. One of the questions on this perticular quiz, it said "Do/Did you cut?" And She answered yes. I just kept saying she USED to do it. She USED to do it, not anymore. Well after awhile, she met this guy named Jake*. And I talked to him too and he seemed really nice (Keep this in mind, we're all online buddies). So they went out for a while. But eventually, EVERY SINGLE ONE Of Tanzie's LiveJournal posts was about Jake. How he loved her, how she loved him. Then there were the days where she thought "oh he's cheating on me" or "he deserves better than me" etc. One day, apparently they talked on MSN and he called her some really mean things. She was heart broken. So...I guess she went back to her "old" habbit. She cut. I don't know how many strikes she did, but a lot. Then she posted it on her LJ. So Jake would see what he did to her I guess. I recently read a book about cutting. It's extremely bad for you. So I made her promise me she'd never do that again. Well... bout 4 months later, Jake ticked her off again. And she broke our promise. She cut FIFTEEN TIMES on each leg, and NINE times on each arm. This broke my heart. I couldn't believe she did that. She swore she would never do that again. And not just to me, to everyone else. But she did... And I yelled at her, trying to knock some sence into her head. She immediatly shot back at me with her life story. "My dad beats me when he's drunk, my mom only cares about my brother, my friends push me around and tell me I'm crud, the only one who understood me was my grandpa. And He died. And I watched him....etc". This saddened me horribly. I just couldn't imagine a life like that. I had a great life. I thought everyone else did too. We talked and she swore on her death bed she'd never break our promise again. And as far as I know, she hasn't. So for ANYONE with this horrible hurting yourself though, it's not worth it. Life is a snowball. You roll it uphill for all the good things, but then it will reverse and timble downhill and your life will seem horrible. But that snowball will eventually hit the ground and break, unleashing a brand new you. Life will snowball uphill all over again. I's a cycle. * Not real names were used.
08 Mar 2005	Will Snow	I am the gay franciscan monk who is Rev. Poosy's boyfriend. I heard that someone wants to kill him:( that makes me really sad. Why are people judging others. Whether there is a god or not a god, you should not judge. If there is a god, then i can say he would NOT judge. But i guess a lot of the people that come to this site to moan about Rev. Poosy, Religious Maggie, Lucy and Mouchette are damn hypocrites!! And if you cant have a bit of fun in your life then you are BLOODY sad and need to get a life.....Here endith the surmon.
11 Feb 2005	Will Snow	Ive tried ending my life in many ways but when i try, something pulls me back to STOP. I dont think i could ever do it even though i often feel suicidal. Whats happened to Rev. Poosy? I miss his surmons;) Perhaps there is too much poosying around in his church!
07 Feb 2005	Will Snow	Well, i guess if you really wanna kill yourself. Listen to Johny Cash. Apologies to those that like him. Hang on a sec. No i dont!!
13 Jan 2005	Will Snow	Hey toxic shock syndrome, leave mouchette alone OK.................
06 Jan 2005	Will Snow	Well, net nanny must be playing with her poosy again(PLEASE PLEASE dont edit). I managed to get here again at long last. Where i live has the most exciting lift you could ever imagine. Well, the lift talks to you. Well not literally but it does say "Doors closing" and then you get to your destination or floor i should say and the lift says "Doors opening (said with glee as if the lift is experiencing something im not), 11th floor". Take care folks
02 Jan 2005	Will Snow	Hey Jaylin, I know suicide isnt funny. Its not meant to be. Its a most horrid feeling to get. Im sorry what has happened with your family. I hope it will make you a stronger person.
24 Dec 2004	Will Snow	Happy Christmas. Or at least i hope it will be a happy one for you all.
22 Dec 2004	Will Snow	ooooh silly thing, i cant read any of it:-(
20 Dec 2004	Will Snow	Hey slim shady is back, i mean Will Snow. Im blocked from using this site from the 'other' library. Wish you all a good Christmas anyway. Hope you have a good one. Will xxx
08 Dec 2004	Will Snow	Hey who's using my name and got my email addy?? Well, the sentence that starts off as 'HEY EVERYBODY', or something like that isnt the real me. Its an imposter!!! Im jinxed
07 Dec 2004	WILL SNOW	HEY EVERYONE, if you ever wanna hook up with a real tight gay dude- check out josh edmond. the only reason he hasnt killed himself yet is cuz he likes his fudge packed daily. i hit that and it was nice. so if you wanna help hi out not to kill himself he needs a "friend"
30 Nov 2004	Smelly Coont	Will Snow, how dumb can you be? Flamer isn't back. The dude who posted as Flamer is obviously a Flamer wannabe because no one can write like the original. To the imposter Flamer, you are an insult to the name Flamer because your ability to set things on fire = ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!! The real Flamer wouldn't use a phrase like "looky here". What the fuck kind of thing to say is that? You stupid piece of shit. By the way, Will, why didn't you just punch that pervert in the face? What the fuck is wrong with you? Stand up for yourself you fuckin pussy. And to the dude whos wife cheated on him, instead of killing yourself, kill her instead.... and then yourself and we will all be better off.
29 Nov 2004	Will Snow	OH NO, not you again FLAMER!!! Why dont you get lost and play with yourself or summat. Perhaps you cant physically do it or dont know how. I keep getting pestered by this oldish man. I may be gay but im not hard up!! Since he found out that im gay he has just constantly pestered me. He even came into my room at the hostel and put his hand on my knee. Then he put his arm around me and practically squashed me. Then he looked at me in the eyes, sorta "I fancy you" look. I started to get panicky and thought oh god. People just think youre easy when they know youre gay.
28 Nov 2004	crackjack	You deserve to be beaten with a stick mouchette for being so lame, I can't believe you put that in your favourites. By the way, to Will Snow, you go girl (?) Have a ball, you sound like you are getting all the LOVING you could ever want! Don't waste time in your room, get amoungst it! Enjoy it, how many times do we live?
25 Nov 2004	Will Snow	Hey 'NO', perhaps youre fucked up too. Well, you came here so you must be thinking about suicide eh. Well, how are you all my darlings? Ooooh sorry, i feel a bit silly today. Where im living at the moment is a mad house. I thought the B+B was bad enough, but this place, geees! Of course they all know im gay and they wanna be friends with me. Im a bit shy and get a little anxious but they keep saying i shouldnt lock myself away. They also say that if i get bullied to tell them and they will beat them up. I hate violence. Ummm, better be going.
17 Nov 2004	Will Snow	Well, if you wanna kill yourself dont ever use medicines. I experimented at the weekend by overdosing slightly. Well, it felt worse than actually feeling suicidal. I tell you, I wont ever do that again. Here endeth the sermon......
10 Nov 2004	Will Snow	Ooooh mouchette, are you on your holidays then? It will be so boooooring now. Well, the hostel im staying in is more interesting than the B+B i stayed in. I stay in my room nearly all the time with my Walkman. Gets a bit boring after a while but i feel safer in my room. I even get scared to use the toilet. So i often wait until there is nobody about. I have to fetch my own breakfast so that is the only time i see the other people. Hopefully not long now before im out of there.

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